Monday, August 3, 2015

"Big Girls Cry When Their Hearts are Breaking"

Me below my grafiti on the Lennon Wall
It says "Mala Cestovatelka"
I had a lot of final goodbyes in Prague.

First, I said goodbye to my theatre before my sister visited me. I finished my job of organizing the theatre. I turned off every light, looked in each room one last time, and used my keys for the final time.

Then I stayed up until the early hours of sunrise so I might get to the Lennon Wall before tourists swarmed it. I painted the words “Mala Cestovatelka” (Little Traveler) so that Prague might not forget me. It also felt very equal. Prague left its mark on me (specifically my left shoulder) and now I have left my mark on Prague. I also managed to get my picture with the astronomical clock without a sea of people around me and have a moment on the Charles Bridge with no one around.
Me and my closest Prague friend, Hali

I then spent the next six days incredibly busy with my sister (as you can read about in my last blog post) and even passed an exam during those six days! I got my first C in college ever in that class (Economic Game Theory) but I still loved it nonetheless. It taught me life lessons like when to burn my boats (commit) and that everyone is selfish (even in kindness). In a weird way, the classes that kick your butt are the ones that teach you the most. I’m incredibly glad I took it.

I had a going away party with my coworkers at Prague Shakespeare Company while my sister was in town. I made sure to have a heart-to-heart with each and every one of them. I cried, they cried. They told me how much they appreciated me. I told them how much they changed my life. Then they told me they’d be seeing me again. I promised they would.

my CEA Prague friends
After my sister left, I had forty-eight hours left in Prague. I went on a date with someone I knew I’d never see again, who made me smile and laugh a lot. We got dinner and saw a horror movie with Czech subtitles (I’m going to miss having those in my movies). It was my first date since my breakup and it was such a breath of fresh air to smile and flirt again.

Prayer candles in the Vysehrad cathedral
On my last day I went with some of my closest friends to Vysehrad, the historical fort with an amazing cathedral in the center. I thought Prague couldn’t get any more beautiful but then it did. I lit a prayer candle in the cathedral and buried it in sand (a very peaceful and beautiful practice). We then got Angelato and I had Bageterie Boulevard as my last meal. There are no better words to describe my final day but: perfect.

I said goodbye to my roommates as they left for their flights. I stayed with the friends I went to Vysehrad with until one in the morning and took the night tram back to my apartment. I cried the entire ride home. I could see my reflection in the window and I wondered if everyone around me was noticing my tears as well. What were they thinking? Did my boyfriend just dump me? Did I just fight with a friend?

I doubt anyone could guess that my heart was breaking for the city I was leaving.

The Vltava River as seen from Vysehrad
the Vysehrad cathedral
I begrudgingly then went home, packed my bags, and slept for an hour before waking up and getting on the metro for the last time to get to the airport where I flew for London. Where I am now until the tenth, when I fly to America
 had so many goodbyes with Prague, but they still weren’t enough. I never knew how someone could love a country so much, until I fell in love with Prague.

I promised myself I would do anything I could to find my way back. Of course it’s easier said than done. I’m here on first-time study abroad scholarships which I won’t qualify for again. Also, I don’t know if I could come here again unless it was for an extended period of time. The transition of leaving everything I love is just too difficult after a few short months.

I love Prague more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. I breath better there, the weight on my shoulders is lighter. It’s the first time I felt I could call a place ‘home’. I’ve never had that feeling before. It’s as if all the songs of heartbroken lovers are beginning to make sense to me. I truly do feel as if my heart has broken. But I know I’ll be back.

Me on the Charles bridge with my tattoo of the Charles Bridge

“I’d give it all away just to get you back.”